Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood

In the previous article we looked at the 4^th Habit, which is “Think Win Win”, which is to seek mutual benefit in all our interactions. Covey describes “Think Win Win” as a total paradigm of human interaction. This article focuses on Habit 5: “Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood”. Covey believes that Habit 5 is the most important principle in good interpersonal relationships.

1. Seek First to Understand

            Habit 5 has two parts both of which are equally important. The first part “Seek First to Understand” essentially means “Diagnose before you Prescribe”. From experience we know that this holds true in all walks of life.

      There are four basic forms of communication:

1. Reading
2. Writing
3. Speaking
4. Listening

At all levels of education, there is emphasis on reading, writing and speaking. However, we see a significantly less (or sometimes non-existent) emphasis on listening. Listening is a very important part of effective communication.

“Seek First to Understand” requires a paradigm shift. Simply put, we have to stop projecting our autobiography onto others. This step enables us to understand another person’s point of view. To understand another person’s point of view we have to practice empathetic listening, which is listening with an intent to understand. Empathy is a different from sympathy (which is a form of agreement).

Research has shown that in a face to face communication:

• 10%  is expressed by words
• 30% is expressed  sounds (i.e. the tone of communication)
• 60% is expressed by body language

Empathetic listening requires us to listen with our ears, eyes and heart. Covey says that when we listen empathetically, we end up giving psychological air to the speaker. Once a speaker has psychological air, he/she is more responsive to questions/suggestions that we may have to offer.  If a speaker’s response is logical, we can effectively ask questions. If a speaker’s response is emotional, we need to go back to empathetic listening.

When I transitioned from an Engineering Consulting role to an Engineering Customer Support role, the biggest challenge for me was providing a solution to the customer that was acceptable to him/her. For a lot of customer problems that came to me, while I had solutions, they often were either not acceptable to the customer or simply would not work in the customer’s environment (in spite of working fine in my environment). Once I was able to understand the customer’s point of view, it became significantly easier to connect and provide solutions.

2. Then Seek to be Understood:

The second part of Habit 5 is “Then Seek to be Understood”. This part is equally critical for us, especially in the framework of reaching a Win/Win solution. Recall from  past posts that we defined maturity as the balance between courage and consideration. Seeking to understand requires consideration. Seeking to be understood requires courage.

Greek philosophy advises on a sequence to be followed to ensure that we are understood. The sequence is ethos, pathos and logos. The meanings of these terms are:

• Ethos – our personal credibility which is based on our integrity and competence.
• Pathos – reflects our empathetic side or being in alignment with the communicator
• Logos – reflects the logical part.

While seeking to be understood, Covey emphasizes the importance of the sequence of ethos, pathos and logos. Often, we tend to move directly into the logical part, without establishing credibility and demonstrating an understanding of the communicator’s view point. This greatly diminishes the effectiveness of our presentation.

In the field of research, we spend significant time on Literature Review. This is to ensure that we have a good understanding of the topic, before we go on to extend the work. Similarly in the field of customer support, the first part before presenting a solution to the end user of our product, is to first describe our understanding of the problem and get confirmation from our client. Getting feedback from employees and customers, analyzing the inputs and then working on addressing problems with solutions, is the correct way of practicing Habit 5.

Summary:

In summary, Covey describes Habit 5 as being in the center of our circle of influence. It is a powerful habit of interdependence. Hope you enjoyed this post.  In the next post we will look at Habit 6 which is “Synergize”.

Reference: 25^th Anniversary Edition “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen R. Covey.

Read about the sixth habit here