Caring for elderly parents

We all love our parents dearly. Actually, I could never imagine my life without my parents and here, I am 1 year later after having lost both of them. After caring for them the last 3 years of their life, I could see some similarities between the caring challenges for all of us. Here is a post that summarizes all my thoughts and observations in this tough phase:

My generation is in middle age…many of us are “empty nesters” and many of us are almost “empty nesters”… we also have aging parents and in-laws who need care…that is why we are called as “middle age”, I guess… 🙂 caught between two generations with different needs, thoughts and a huge number of responsibilities..

Just as we thought bringing up kids was hard enough, caring for elderly parents was even more interesting…why was it more interesting? – it was primarily because, parents were the ones who were normally guiding us and teaching us and suddenly, the roles reversed and our generation had to adapt to give our parents some advices in a few situations and take up some new responsibilities too. This was a new ball game and it was a learning curve for all of us.

These are a few points that I could witness from observations all around me:

1. The ageing process was uncharted territory for both our parents and us. We are giving bits of advice and they were trying their level best to listen to it…and in the midst of all this, we had to care for them effectively too.
2. Almost all parents want to be independent and want to lead their life the way they have always been doing it(and we don’t want to shake our life as well! (face palm)) As long as nothing untoward happens – everything just proceeds as it always does. Unfortunately, if a disease, illness, sickness, age sneaks up(it eventually will), things will start getting difficult as they cannot live alone any longer…
3. I have seen a number of situations as parents start ageing. One set of parents are eager to move close to their children (though that is a minority) But the children themselves are drowned in their own family web and it is difficult to accommodate anybody else.
4. The second set of parents do not want to move at all in spite of their worsening health condition. The children are eager to help the parents move to their place or near their place but the parents are reluctant to move. They have after all been living in a place for all their life and it is unfair to uproot them totally(but it has to be done due to worsening health conditions)
5. The third situation involves children moving close to be with their parents to care for them.
6. The fourth situation is when nobody is willing to move anywhere but health of the parents is not good. In such a case, it is only possible for the children to keep going back and forth and checking in on their parents. Diseases like Parkinsons, Alzheimers are prolonged and there is no cure at all. So, families will have to accordingly adjust.
7. There was a fifth situation too. When one parent passes away and the other elderly parent is there, caregiving for them is also a dilemma. Whom will the one parent stay with? Can they manage on their own? Do they need emotional and social support?( we need it as well) Do they need financial support too? Which of the siblings is going to do it?

All of us go through any or all of these phases because of sheer love for our parents. In fact, each and every one of us remember the fondness and the difficulty by which we were brought up. We feel honored and indebted to be taking care of our parents. In fact, I always think service to parents is greater than service to God. So, it is quite a blessing for the children to be looking after their parents.

All of above four situations is fraught with challenges. Some situations might be easy but most of them require a new way of blending. There are:

1. Medical challenges which involve mobility, incontinence, dementia and many more.

2. Financial challenges might be the cost associated with having a nurse, cook, maid and other household helps. In addition, the costs associated with doctor visits, tests and procedures also creep in.

3. If living together in the house, then, getting along with each other coupled with medical difficulties might also be challenge.

There is a possibility that you may encounter any of the challenges or there might be none.

After you have figured the logistics of whom and where the parent(s) are going to stay and the financial aspects, these are my caregiving ideas:

1. India being a country where manual labor is cheap, it is fine to have cooks, maids, day nurse, night nurse to alleviate the burden on the primary care giver. Primary care giver is also a person, so they need to rest, relax and have their own life as well.
2. It is fine to live whichever way suits your family (together or separately)
3. We are all trying to do our best for our parents and we may slip here and there but that is fine as well as long as we are trying sincerely
4. Fate will have its ideas.
5. One spouse might not be able to live without the other spouse for long
6. And finally, service to parents in times of their most difficult time and old age is the greatest blessing on Earth!

Stay safe and blessed and keep your parents close!

Warm wishes for a fantastic 2024!